Haldir's Diary
by Tindomiel
Summary: Meet Haldir, the character you'd never expect to be exploited, the side of him you'd never expect to see. Bringing a desperately needed nickoftime Elven Army to Helm's Deep is not an easy task, so guess who got the job.
1. To Rohan in Shiny Armour

  
  
A/N: This Story is written for the Elves Who Weren't Supposed to Be There. Aye, I was one of those who, while watching the film, gnashed my teeth and threw my popcorn at seeing the Elven army at Helm's Deep, not knowing whether in joy or total fury. And then, Master Jackson, toying around with his borrowed creations and changing the whole plot of the Two Towers, decides to go further, committing more crimes against Tolkien's Elves.

This story is dedicated to our favourite March Warden of Lothlorien, the Elf that Wasn't Supposed to Die, because I am going to undo what Master Jackson did.

* * *

**Haldir's Diary**

****   
  
Day 1  
  
Elrond's been having weird visions again, says Galadriel. Bit rich, speaking from her point of view. She never gets off the damn 'mirror' with him. Celeborn's been whining at her, cos he's always had a thing about his wife and younger men. She's been very protective of the thing lately. Last time I took a bath in it, she went mad, and green. Really green.  
  
Anyway, Elrond has a vision that the people of Rohan are going to die, something like that. And suddenly matters of men become SOOO important that he has to send an army of Elves all the way down south too save them.  
  
You'd think he'd go himself, if he really cared, but he doesn't get off his ass nowadays. The only war he'd ever been that I know of was the battle with Gil-galad, who died, and "left" his Ring to Elrond, his comrade who couldn't save him.  
  
Galadriel goes all slushy on him, cos he's her son-in-law, and all that, despite the fact Celebrian nearly DIED when she was with him, and instead of personally going to help him with her elfy powers, she sends me.  
  
Stupid noldorin bint.  
  
Later...  
  
So here I am, packing light for the trip tomorrow to Rivendell, then Helm's Deep!  
  
Item(s):  
  
Quality carven wooden mallorn bow – 1  
  
Selection of oak arrows – 50 (how many things to shoot are there??)  
  
Light Elven sword – 1  
  
Daggers – 2 (small)  
  
Woollen cloak – 1  
  
Change of underwear – 1 (being very hygienic)  
  
Secret home-made porn of Arwen – 1  
  
Secret home-made porn of Galadriel – 1  
  
Lembas – 15 packs  
  
Never see Thranduilion doing this, do you?  
  
Then again, he's all high and mighty prince of Mirkwood, and gets to go with the Fellowship. Dumb b#. I think I have a picture of him streaking when he drank too much miruvor and started dancing and swinging on trees.  
  
Note: must find picture and practise blackmailing when I get back.

* * *

Day 2  
  
Galadriel's being awfully nice to me today. Usually, she's quite dismissive and moody, but she's different today. Strange. I think I heard her and Celeborn arguing last night. Apparently he caught her probing into Elrond's mind again, even though she claims she was reminding him about sending the armies. There was a familiar green light issuing from their talan; and today, Celeborn had a slightly purple patch on his eye. He got really annoyed when I asked him about it:  
  
"My lord, what is that strange patch you have there!"  
  
"It is nothing"  
  
"Are you sure? It looks like your eye is swollen"  
  
"No, it isn't"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I'm fine"  
  
"You don't look it"  
  
"Go away, Haldir"  
  
Galadriel seemed happy though. She gave me a really SHINY breastplate to wear, because I was the general of this army but Celeborn got even madder when he saw it. I think Galadriel just gave me her husband's favourite outfit.  
  
He won't mind  
  
I'll look after it  
  
He hardly wears it anymore.

* * *

So here I am, on the way to Rivendell. Feeling very proud for some reason, but maybe it's just my incredibly SHINY armour.  
  
Or maybe it's the huge army marching behind me, under my command  
  
Or the fact that I am on an important quest to save weak and feeble but grateful men.

* * *

Met up with Elrond's troops. The meeting got a little irritable, because Elves of Rivendell and woodland Elves don't get along that well. No one is sure why, but I have a feeling it's because they're jealous of our irresistible BLONDE hair. I can't help noticing how the army from Rivendell is much, much smaller than my own...  
  
Making our way south, unstopping until we reach Helm's Deep  
  
Snubbed Elves of Rivendell by flicking hair back over my shoulder when talking about important matters.  
  
Later...  
  
I think I forgot my map... Will have to face severe indignity and use Orophin's. He can manage without it. I'm his older brother anyway, and my armours twice as shiny. 


	2. Helm's Deep

**Haldir's diary: chapter 2**  
  
Day 3  
  
We have been marching south unstopping for nearly a day now, and it seems that we've finally reached the land of Rohan. Kept sanity by revising speech for meeting the king of Rohan at Helm's Deep.  
  
Feel grumpy. This place smells of horse manure.  
  
Now all we have to do is find some fortress called Helm's Deep (what kind of stupid name is that?)  
  
Oh...there it is.  
  
_I_ could build a better fortress than that.

* * *

Used my Captainous command to get Orophin to blow the Elven horn, to alert people who are all already there. Galadriel said that I should search for Aragorn and Legolas. 

Great; Meeting Isildur's hairy heir, and arrogant prince of Mirkwood. Told Elf army to march synchronised to intimidate feeble humans. They did it quite well. Quite funny. Everyone was staring at us, and especially at my SHINY armour. Met Aragorn and king of Rohan when I got inside. The old man wouldn't stop thanking us. He kept saying: "This is unbelievable!" You'd think he would have seen us marching all the way across the wide open plains of Rohan. I'm sure Galadriel sent news of our arrival - we can't have arrived in the nick-of-time all the way from Lothlorien _that_ fast...  
  
It was a good thing I'd memorised my speech from Elrond.  
  
Ahem:  
  
"I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and men. We are here to honour that allegiance." Elrond has no imagination when it comes to writing speeches.  
  
Then I see Aragorn running down the steps looking like a corpse. I held out my hand, like Galadriel showed me, being a good boy.  
  
And then he hugs me.  
  
Geesh. I knew he was a pervy hobbit fancier, but I didn't think he'd go that way as well. (is it just me, or did anyone else notice that Aragorn REALLY smelt of pond water?)  
  
Then I notice Legolas standing behind me. He's changed from what I remember him: A whiny spoilt prince of Mirkwood. And he's made a friend, a DWARF. A Elbereth! I knew he didn't get on with girls, but, uh..a DWARF?!  
  
Talked a little to old king of Rohan. Apparently, he agrees with me on Aragorn's abnormal odour. He's a nice man once you get to know him, but he's all:  
  
"Say, why don't you put the ELVES up front, and then my men can, uh...help, at the back?"  
  
"But...then...wouldn't it be the Elves in firing range, and most likely to be killed?"  
  
"Er.um...I'm sure they can handle it."  
  
"My lord, there are ten thousand uruk hai. I have but two hundred men."  
  
" I.er..have to go. Kingly duties."  
  
Which basically means bringing up morale by lying to the troops. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm here.  
  
-Later-  
  
Have positioned Elven archers on wall battlements. Made sure there were as many men there to get shot, as there were Elves. Theoden not happy. And I've made sure anyone who annoyed me on the trip here will not be happy once they see where they're standing. I myself have a nice clear position, behind a few troops.  
  
Noticing how much Legolas is tagging after Aragorn. Must remember to collect evidence to show Arwen and Thranduil when I get back; if I get back.  
  
Now all we have to do is wait for a rabble of 10,000 uruk-hai coming this way to kill us. I guess they won't be hard to spot.  
  
-Still a little bit later-  
  
Great. It's started raining. We're fighting in the rain. My armours getting wet and I just straightened my hair!  
  
Oh, by the way, the uruk-hai are here. They look nasty. I really hate Elrond and Lady Galadriel at the moment. Why am I here?! What have I ever done wrong?!

Oh. Yes. That. Well, apart from that,

What have I ever done wrong?!


	3. Last Will and Testament

Haldir's diary; part 3  
  
STILL day 3 Anyway, I'm standing on the battlements of helm's deep.  
  
With the ELVES in the range of fire.  
  
Theoden flipped a coin to decide whose troops would get to stand at the front of the wall in the firing range, and guess what? Heads won. The Elves won. I KNOW he cheated. Stupid Rohirric currency; who'd have thought that they'd used the horse symbol on BOTH sides of the coin?!  
  
Ok... breathe, calm.  
  
I've decided: in case I die, I have a will. I don't have much to leave to the world, and I don't know how I'm going to do so, but this comforts me, in a way. Ahem  
  
I, Haldir o Lorien, son of Nunaur, March warden of the Golden Wood solemnly pronounce the following in case of sudden and/or violent death:  
  
-I leave all my possessions to my faithful, loyal brothers, who never squealed on me about my crush on Elladan, a long time ago. (Then again, if I die, Rumil and Orophin are probably also dead since they can't fight as well as I can and it took them 479 years to shoot a single arrow - and they both hit Celeborn in the groin.) So, try again:  
  
-In case Rumil and/or Orophin are also dead, my possessions go to Galadriel, the mother I never had. (No. Why should I leave my possessions to anyone, especially Green Queen?) Take 3:  
  
-If I should die in this here battle, I would like my body to be burnt WITH my beloved possessions into ashes. (Hah! Take that Rumil! You can't have Mr. Honeybunny!! It's my Mr. Honeybunny!! Mine!)  
  
...And my ashes sprinkled in the fair wood of Laurelindorenan, under my tree. (Which is MY tree Rumil! Also mine!)  
  
If I should die; I would like a messenger to take the following message to lady Arwen Undomiel of Rivendell: ARAGORN IS GAY  
  
And the picture of Drunken Legolas Streaking sent to King Thranduil of the woodland realm. (But ONLY if I'm DEAD; I don't want to face their wrath alive! I'm too young to die!)  
  
...Which brings us back to our current situation:  
  
We are about to be slaughtered by 10,000 uruk-hai who have never known what a bath is. (Which reminds me of a certain hairy friend) ___  
  
Oh, Eru-I'm nervous.  
  
My bow is poised. My hand is steady. My first arrow ready to aim.  
  
Aragorn calls out to draw the arrows, and I am ready to fire. Legolas mutters some advice about shooting some weak body part of the uruks and expects the whole regiment to hear.  
  
I don't care what he says; I'm just aiming for the groin.  
  
Somehow, I think we're going to win this battle...  
  
Oh crap.  
  
Some lousy Rohan peasant with arthritis just 'accidentally' fired an arrow, right when we're still at our non-violent stage. I call it the glaring stage, where the whole vibe is basically: 'slaughter us if you can you whiny little--'  
  
I was really enjoying the view as well. Ah well, sooner is better than later. I think.  
  
Quote Theoden: "so it begins"  
  
At least the arrow killed an uruk.  
  
Ah well. Must look to the bright side. Only 9,999 evil killing machines to go. 


	4. Defending the Deeping wall

Night has come.  
  
There are no stars in the sky.  
  
And an army of fighting uruk-hai are advancing on the Hornburg.  
  
Aragorn can't fight so he's practising being King (as if!), by telling everyone else what to do (Hell-o? What am I here for?)  
  
At the sound of: "leithio i philinn", fifty Elven archers release their arrows, each meeting their mark in an uruk-hai throat (well...mine in an uruk-hai crotch)  
  
The first barrage is sent, and the second wave is called forward.  
  
Petty humans think they can outshoot me.  
  
I seem to notice that neither Aragorn nor Theoden are doing anything that looks remotely like fighting. Stupid monarchs. Always think they're above everyone else. I seem to recall that I am fighting for them? ___  
  
It looks like orc mutants not as stupid as they look.  
  
Ah, look; they know how to shoot using crossbows.  
  
This is worrying. My shiny armour may become an easy target.  
  
Hah! Petty orc! Try and aim for me? Missed! The petty missile merely whizzes harmlessly past me...  
  
...Into Orophin.  
  
...Oh dear.  
  
There goes Orophin.  
  
Oh Eru. There's blood.  
  
What do I tell mother? ____  
  
Had moment of mourning for fallen brother. Must tell Rumil the bad news, but now too occupied with orc ladders coming up the Deeping wall. He died bravely. That's what he would have wanted. I hope. Inside, I think he didn't want to die at all.  
  
Looks like legolas' friend the dwarf not so bad when it comes to killing. He looks quite formidable with his puny little axe and a bush of a beard that looks like it may house many living organisms.  
  
He and legolas are playing a killing game. So typical. He always left me out, even back in the second age when we played 'steal Melkor's Silmaril'.  
  
____  
  
Only an hour has passed, and I have lost 4 of my friends that I have known since I was a millennia old, and my brother.  
  
I fire arrow after arrow, unwearied by the fact that all of this may be in vain. When an orc ladder reached my station, I took to using the blade, taking heads off uruks. Aragorn is not too bad with a sword. He's certainly slain many orcs in his lifetime, but this may also be owed to his unusual body odour.  
  
Then suddenly he shouts, and our attention is directed to a formation of orcs marching up the ramp to the drain.  
  
I call for my regiment to turn direction and fire.  
  
But there's just too many of them. You kill one, but there's still more. Always more.  
  
So Aragorn calls up on legolas, as a last ditch attempt.  
  
There's an uruk running up the ramp with a flame, and I don't know why I keep thinking, thinking about the word 'orc-lympics', and now he's heading for the drainage.  
  
Uh-oh. Evil and explosives do not go well together.  
  
Legolas is trying hard to bring down the runner uruk, firing arrows to kill him.  
  
And he failed.  
  
The section of the wall blew apart from its roots, releasing a flood of water, and the keep in full view. The Deeping wall has been breached.  
  
We're all going to die. (Legolas! Just wait till I get that picture!)  
  
Trust Legolas to screw up in a dire situation. 


	5. The Wall is Breached

Haldir's diary: part 5  
  
The wall is breached  
  
Am in a bad mood.  
  
Brother dead  
  
Uruks just stormed in  
  
Legolas can't shoot  
  
Eru, I feel like killing something.  
  
Well what a coincidence. I can.  
  
The uruks have not yet taken the wall, and I won't allow it as long as I'm alive.  
  
As they rushed through the sewage water smelling like Aragorn on a good day, my men were all prepared.  
  
What they didn't need was Aragorn practising kingliness and shouting orders. We fired anyway, and killed many. And it was all due to us that the stupid dwarf didn't die. He was prancing around, head butting orcs. He was lucky I didn't 'accidentally' miss and shoot him. After all, it would be such a shame if he got blood on that *adorable* beard.  
  
And now we throw away the bow and charge with the sword at the swarming mass of uruk-hai approaching. Humph, I got that bow as a birthday present.  
  
They come like cockroaches, black and evil and infinite, bit like the ones that inhabit the house of Elrond. And we charge at them, ignoring the foul smell (well, once you get used to Aragorn...), our blades ready.  
  
I approach the nearest orc and take his head off with one clean stroke. But before his severed head even touches the ground, I am faced with another. This one is not so easy. He lunges forward and nearly hacks my arm off, but I dodge and after butting him with my foot, hack him with my sword hilt.  
  
Easy. If Legolas can do it, then I can.  
  
Then another orc arrives. I take care of him pretty easy before turning back to the previous one and staking him in the chest with my sword. Now I have to drag the blade out of the orc, and in the time, 2 more approach me.  
  
I wonder if I will survive the night.  
  
-Much much later-  
  
It has been only three days since I started this journal for the record. So much has happened since.  
  
Maybe Galadriel sent me here to this war-zone for a reason.  
  
She knows that I know  
  
Except I don't. I know she HAS something to hide, but I never bothered to ask her. And now she wants to kill me because she thinks I know.  
  
Damn you Alatariel.  
  
___  
  
I have now been fighting in this manner for over 3 hours  
  
I need a break.  
  
I give the time out sign to Aragorn but he deliberately ignores me and says something about pulling back to the keep.  
  
Oh great. Oh Eru. Don't say we've lost.  
  
This is SO not my fault.  
  
___  
  
Turning swiftly, I start to run for the keep. The wall has been lost.  
  
Then I feel an orc blade cutting into my shoulder. 


	6. Death

Haldir's diary: part 6  
  
Death  
  
I run back to the keep when I sense an uruk behind me.  
  
I'm running, running, trying to get away.  
  
Then I felt a cold blade cutting through my back.  
  
I feel my shoulder bones snapping under the weight and blood streaming from the gaping wound. It is a sharp, icy pain.  
  
Trying not to yelp, I turned and tried to keep running. I hear Aragorn crying out behind me, in some far distant place. And then the orc lunges at me again, his weapon lodged in my back.  
  
This time I fall.  
  
I stagger.  
  
The world has become an echo, and pain has become the world.  
  
Perhaps angels are singing a lament for me in some far distant place, but I doubt it.  
  
I realise now that I am going to die without glimpsing Elven Tirion.  
  
Then I see Rumil, lying on the floor, eyes misty and unseeing. He is dead.  
  
Not you too, I try and say, but I have not the strength.  
  
The sons of Nunaur are all dead. All because of these mortals. We gave up our chance of Valinor, so their world could continue.  
  
Before I hit the floor, Aragorn catches me. I gasp when I see him and want to say something to him like: "get off me you smelly mortal", but can't.  
  
For I moment, I thought he was going to kiss me.  
  
But I breathe my last breath, of relief. He just heroically thumps my wounded chest. It's his entire fault.  
  
And then he leaves, for the battle has not yet ended.  
  
With my last ounce of energy, I close my eyes. The End has finally come.  
  
I am happy to sit here and rest until I go to Mandos, to meet my brothers and tell them how sorry I am, that I brought them along here to die.  
  
___  
  
My life is flashing before my eyes...  
  
My childhood: numerous happy days in Lothlorien, under the starlight and the trees.  
  
I remember shooting Galadriel's newly painted walls, then running away;  
  
Scrawling on the walls of Thranduil's palace: "Legolas loves Elladan"  
  
And then he got me back by doodling on Galadriel's tree: "Haldir loves Elladan"  
  
So Elladan graffitied all over Rivendell: "Legolas loves Haldir"  
  
And Elrohir got jealous since he thought no one liked him, so he spread a rumour that Legolas was gay, and everyone's worst suspicions were confirmed.  
  
Happy times.  
  
I remember first learning to shoot with a bow for the first time. My arrow hit Celeborn in the groin.  
  
I remember teaching Rumil and Orophin how to shoot. They both hit Celeborn in the groin.  
  
I was so proud.  
  
I remember being awarded the title "march warden of Lorien". Killing dumb orcs and meeting people like the fellowship.  
  
Ah yes; the fellowship...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~A long while ago~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
One day, I was just minding my own business, when I saw a bunch of people walking through the woods of Lorien. 2 men, a dwarf, 4 short people......  
  
And Legolas, prince of the Woodland Realm.  
  
I cursed my luck. Of course, this was the "fellowship of the Highly Evil Ring" that Galadriel had been yapping on about for over a month days. Celeborn had been avoiding her so as not to hear her high dramatic shiny rendition of: "the world is changed. I feel it the water...."Etc.  
  
So I decided to drop in on them and give them a fright, and hoped to embarrass Legolas in front of his new friends.  
  
Dwarves are joke magnets. Common knowledge. I gave my old: "a dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him....yada yada yada"  
  
And nobody laughed. I was really losing my touch.  
  
I took them to Caras Galadhon, the long route of course. At one point we made them cross a river using tightropes when they was a footbridge just a few yards downstream. Then we blindfolded them and led them into a circle. The hobbits took it in turns to trip everyone up and guide them towards trees.  
  
We arrived before Galadriel weary, and a little bit battered.  
  
The fellowship stayed in Lothlorien a long time. Too long. I got really sick of them. And I played my share of tricks: tripping them up when they were blindfolded, putting hare's fur in their food.  
  
Of course Old G'lad's got really sick of me, and she got her revenge by giving Legolas a lovely new Lothlorien bow.  
  
MY lothlorien bow.  
  
When they finally left to get somewhere with their Highly Important Quest, we held a celebration.  
  
***  
  
My memories are flashing faster now, images leading up to the present:  
  
I see myself packing for the trip to Rohan, and Galadriel giving my shiny breastplate: My shiny shoddy piece of crap. She KNEW it was crap, and still gave me it. Now I'm bleeding slowly to death because of it, but at least I won't have to face blood poisoning. Damn this shiny armour.  
  
More images flash before me, and then I reach the battle, and the orc who killed me.  
  
And all goes black.  
  
I'm blind and deaf to the world. There is a sound of orcs yelling, but all I can hear are whispers. The whispers of my people on some far isle.  
  
...I'm actually going to die. Death has come to me: The End of existence, inevitable and irreversible.  
  
There are sounds of horse's hooves, and I wonder if Aragorn, Legolas and the dwarf called Gimli survived this battle, if it was won at all.  
  
I whisper to myself, in my head, a prayer to Elbereth and pray for the victory of this battle  
  
But it no longer matters. It is none of my concern.  
  
So this is what dying feels like.  
  
Look...  
  
Light has appeared. I can see it through my eyelids. A small light peeping over the horizon, gradually getting brighter until it seems the whole sky has been filled with its radiance. And I can see that it is the Dawn.  
  
Dawn has come. I open my eyes and see the Dawn, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  
  
I'm still alive.  
  
Haldir lives, apart from his broken bones, torn flesh and huge blood loss!!!  
  
I'm still alive. 


	7. Daylight take that Peter Jackson!

Haldir's diary: part 7  
  
Daylight  
  
I'm alive.  
  
I can see the Dawn.  
  
And it is beautiful.  
  
As I lie here, oblivious to the world around me, all I care for is the glorious sunlight, all that is sustaining me at the moment.  
  
The noise and chaos around me has softened slightly. The drum of horses hooves are still in my ears and I can clearly hear someone shout 'Rohirrim, ride!' in the background.  
  
I take it we've won.  
  
I REALLY hope we've won.  
  
I try to move, but every time I do, I get a blazing pain down my spine. I manage to open my mouth, and desperately try to call out, but I can't form words without my neck feeling like ice. All I can say are: "ung, uh" and other obscure sounds.  
  
All I can do is wait.  
  
___  
  
I think the battle is over now.  
  
I heard someone yell 'victory' and breathed a huge sigh of relief, which made me gag for the pain in my back. Well finally, *somebody* won. This is how long it takes when you don't have my fine fighting skills in the battle. But there are more pressing issues.  
  
I have to get someone to realise I'm not dead and help me.  
  
I can just manage to turn my neck and get a better view of practically everything, but when I do, I'm revisited by the grisly corpse beside me: Rumil, my brother who I brought along to die. My brother who I could not protect.  
  
I turn my head back and try to suppress the memory of the night. I was always told that Elves were unsusceptible to physical and mental trauma of any kind, but I don't know how I can believe that. I don't know if I can live on in this way. If I survive, I will never shake off the grief of this battle, and, in my present state, probably end up as an invalid.  
  
Do I have anything to live for? (Apart from unceasingly humiliating Legolas?)  
  
There are people around me: Rohan peasants gathering their dead. Poor fools. They will never get their loved ones back.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Elven soldiers, originally from Mirkwood in fact. They look exhausted and I pity them. They take one look at the piles of corpses and wretch in disgust. They have lost friends and dear ones too.  
  
More Elves are coming this way now (there seem to be so few of them), gathering the bodies of their friends and tending the wounded that still lay there. I try and call out, but it hurts too much.  
  
One of the Mirkwood Elves spots me lying there. He motions to his friends and they come over and stare at their dead general. One of them whispers a prayer for me and the others lament of my fall. I try and say something like: "I'm not dead you idiot", but all that comes out is a slight 'erg'. I can manage no more.  
  
Uh-oh.  
  
One of them spotted my will. I knew I shouldn't have put it in my quiver for the world to see.  
  
Damnit. He's reading it. There's a small smile on his lips and I know what he's thinking.  
  
He shows it to his friends. Hello? 'Corpse' here!  
  
Somebody please kill me.  
  
The Elf's friends are running off and I have an awful suspicion that they might be carrying out what they think is their praised and beloved general's last wish.  
  
Iluvatar....  
  
I WISH I WAS DEAD 


	8. The Houses of healing

Haldir's Diary: part 8  
  
The House of Healing  
  
I lay there stunned, awed and amazed at all that had happened. For a moment I pondered if being alive was such a good thing after all.  
  
Some men came back with a makeshift stretcher, made out of a section of broken ladder with a few thick cloaks on top. Carefully they picked me up, one took me by the head, the other by the feet, and lowered me onto it.  
  
I found that though I couldn't talk, I could still yell. And that's what I did. Damn it hurt. They had to put me on the stretcher upside-down so as to not injure my wounds any further. A good move, but now I looked really dumb.  
  
Then the two men carried me up the rubble to the keep, where the houses of healing were. I didn't particularly look forward to meeting Aragorn and Legolas again. I didn't really care about the stupid dwarf.  
  
When I finally reached the healing room, I was shocked. There was a hall full of people in agony, wailing and weeping for their harms.  
  
I was propped up on a 'bed', still faced down, to await the physician. I gagged when I saw who it was, and my wound bled afresh:  
  
Aragorn was pacing up and down the halls, inspecting the beds. He stopped at each one and surveyed the injured.  
  
"Matron" he called, his finger resting on his chin, and a blonde woman came up beside him. Her eyes were starry, and I could see that she harboured something for the 'medic'.  
  
"Yes, my lord?"  
  
"Give this man some Athelas."  
  
"Yes, my lord."  
  
Then he walked onto the next bed, the bed next to mine. Lying there was a young boy who had lost his arm. He was unconscious and his shoulder was bleeding badly.  
  
"Matron"  
  
"Yes, my lord?"  
  
"Get this man some Athelas."  
  
"Are you sure, my lord? He looks quite hurt."  
  
"Er...then give him double the amount of Athelas."  
  
Then Legolas burst into the room, Gimli at his heels:  
  
"Aragorn," he said, "we've just run out of Athelas."  
  
"Oh crap." said the to-be king.  
  
"Do you not know any other methods of healing APART from using kingsfoil?" said the woman calmly.  
  
Aragorn put his hand on his forehead, "it's the only thing I remember from Elrond's medical lessons. I didn't pay attention to anything else"  
  
Legolas said something quietly that sounded very rude.  
  
"Well you try listening to the lord of Imladris talking about the Elven menstrual cycle for three and a half hours!!!" he cried at him.  
  
He moved onto my bed.  
  
"Matron, get this man some-"  
  
Then he saw it was me; Haldir, general of Elven army, I mean, hello?!  
  
"Matron! Athelas! Immediately! This is my good friend Haldir!"  
  
I tried not to vomit onto my stretcher. Since when were Aragorn and I 'friends'? I think he took it too far with the hug he gave me at Helm's Deep.  
  
Legolas, who seemed to acquire some sense during his travels, was massaging his temples.  
  
"Aragorn. I don't think Athelas will work."  
  
"It has worked for me before."  
  
"This man has 3 broken ribs, a dislocated arm, a smashed shoulder and major blood loss. I don't think Athelas works on injuries of that sort. Besides, did you not hear me before? WE HAVE RUN OUT"  
  
(Since when did Legolas have x-ray vision???)  
  
Aragorn shrugged.  
  
"'Snot my fault."  
  
Then the dwarf said: "I think this here Elf will be just fine. He needs plenty of rest, that's all."  
  
Then Legolas said: "what he needs are the healing hands of Elrond of Rivendell"  
  
(I don't like the way he said 'healing hands'. I think Elrohir had a point when he spread that rumour.)  
  
*  
  
So it was decided.  
  
I would be carried back north, all the way to Rivendell to be cured by Elrond. And when I get better, I could get back to Lorien.  
  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
I don't wanna go back!  
  
*  
  
But then when the parade had gone, Legolas came up and put his hand on my shoulder (the uninjured one). I tried to jerk away, but resistance was, as always, futile.  
  
"Haldir, this morning, before you were carried up here, I caught a messenger running frantically around delivering errands. On closer inspection, I found, in his hands, your rather adorable will..."  
  
He must have sensed my astonishment because I gasped, and something clicked in my back. Suddenly I found my voice box functional again.  
  
I celebrated by yelling: "YOU FOUND WHAAAAAT?!?!?!" loudly that everyone stared.  
  
"I found your rather amusing will," he continued, "I couldn't help but laugh at it. Ahh, you were always ambitious, even when we were young...."  
  
I wish I had control of my muscles as well as my voice because then I could pulverise him.  
  
"Of course, I have intercepted your last wishes.."  
  
I sighed a breath of relief, which was hard because I was faced down. At least he did SOME good.  
  
"But I had to leave in the one about Aragorn. Let it take its course. That was TOO irresistible..."  
  
I had another panic attack. I tried to speak, but I was shivering in fright.  
  
"And you're sending me...to Rivendell, home of Elrond... and Arwen Undomiel..."  
  
He stared at me for a moment. Then he said:  
  
"Yeah. That's about right."  
  
And walked off.  
  
I am so dead. 


	9. To Rivendell in a Wheelchair

Die, Legolas, Die.  
  
That's what I'm carving on the handles of my new wheelchair. Since I can't walk for a while, and I can't move my right arm, I have to be pushed around on this wooden chair which Aragorn attached wheels onto. Everyone's being soooo nice to me, surviving near death and all that, and sustaining so many injuries, they don't realise what's happening.  
  
A messenger is going north to Rivendell, on the last wishes of Haldir of Lorien, to give Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Lord Elrond Halfelven, the message that her soul mate and long-term lover and soon to be husband and King ...is actually homosexual and in love with Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
Not that's its complete bull.  
  
The only problem is that the person who ~supposedly~ ordered that message to be delivered is going there tomorrow to be healed by the recipient's father, ie, me.  
  
There's no point using Athelas anymore Aragorn. I'm going to die at the hands of your pretty girlfriend on the matters of something you will never find out about.  
  
At least there's some comfort:  
  
I probably destroyed their relationship forever.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Day 4, or 5, or....I don't care anymore.  
  
Been avoiding Legolas.  
  
I can't find the potential-blackmail-material Drunken Legolas Streaking picture of him. I have a suspicion that it has been burnt.  
  
Being accompanied everywhere by an annoying Elf called Glindir, who was told by Mr. Mirkwood Prince to 'see to it that I am well' (Damn you Legolas). He says he's a friend of Rumil, and he can't find him.  
  
I don't know if I should tell him his best friend and my brother is dead.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Aragorn, Theoden, Eomer, Gimli, Gandalf and Legolas have left for Gondor, or Isengard. Can't remember. I'm not sure they finally agreed at all. They were rehearsing their poignant speeches on the way. "The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin..." etc.  
  
Main point of the day: Prince of Mirkwood has finally left and my torture has stopped.  
  
The peasants of Rohan are preparing for their way back to Edoras, and the starry-eyed blonde girl (I think her name is Eowyn) has gone with them. She did not look happy. I thought I might as well leave something for Isildur's heir.  
  
With my good hand, I pushed my chair up to her. She was in her chamber, bent over the bed, packing clothes and supplies into a leather bag. I think it's time to press the ol' charm button.  
  
"My Lady," I said, giving as good a bow as I could get, "how fare you this day?"  
  
"Well enough"  
  
I don't think she is very happy at all.  
  
"What are you doing there?"  
  
"Packing."  
  
"Packing what?"  
  
"Robes."  
  
"And?"  
  
"More robes."  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
"Yep"  
  
"Don't you need food and supplies?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"What's under that curtain there?"  
  
"Robes"  
  
I could see that this conversation was not getting anywhere. So I decided to be bold and just strike the jackpot. Er. Yes. Jackpot.  
  
"Aragorn loves you, you know."  
  
She straightened up and looked me in the eye.  
  
"He loves another, not I."  
  
Ahh..time to go for the kill:  
  
"I wouldn't be so sure milady," I said mildly, "he told me himself. He likes a woman who knows how to *handle* a sword. I mean, he'd surely leave the Elf lady if you were worth it."  
  
She paused. Her face was deadly white.  
  
"If I were WORTH IT?!" she yelled suddenly, robes flying about the room, "what am I worth???"  
  
"He said," I continued calmly, "that he has a weird obsession with women who go to war dressed as men. It must be all that contoured armour. It's a thing he has. A fetish. He likes Women in armour, 'playing with swords' were his words, I think."  
  
Oh Eru what am I doing??? When did I get this manipulative??? (And so full of innuendo?)  
  
I think Legolas has a bad influence on me.  
  
It was all I had to say. She believed me, and I left the bomb in her room, set and ticking. Aragorn's gonna get a nice surprise when he meets her again.  
  
I left her to her thoughts and went to prepare my stuff for the journey back to Rivendell only to find that Glindir had already done it for me. He's actually a very kind and efficient kid. I'm growing quite fond of him.  
  
As he pushed me out to join the train of Elves to Rivendell, his head was bowed low. I saw what it was disturbing him.  
  
Out of the 200 Elven soldiers I had brought from Rivendell, Mirkwood and Lothlorien, only a quarter of them were well enough to return on foot. But for men, they would say that no one of us returned at all.  
  
I nearly gasped when I saw the homeward bound army.  
  
Glindir saw my anguish at the numbers; he himself had lost many friends in the battle.  
  
He obviously remembered joining the army, never imagining, in his wildest dreams that the consequences were so terrible.  
  
He's young after all.  
  
"People die in battle." I told him.  
  
He acknowledged this with a simple nod and wheeled me over into the mass of people.  
  
When the men saw that their general was hurt but alive, they cheered slightly, and together, we made our way north to Rivendell.  
  
I haven't forgot about Arwen's message. I am dreading the arrival, I wish this wasn't happening, but Aragorn told me there was no way he could fully heal me with the insufficient tools and medicine he had (and with the limited medical knowledge he had, he would probably kill me). The only way I would ever have a possibility of walking again was to see Elrond.  
  
At least I'm going to get my own back.  
  
Still have to figure out a way to get back at Legolas though. 


	10. Conclusion

It is now, what? Day 6?  
  
We have reached the Gap of Rohan. Eowyn gave tents, cloaks, the like and us a few supplies. She also put my arm is a fresh sling and dressed some of my wounds. I still can't move my arms or walk.  
  
Capable actions:  
  
Eating, blinking, sneezing, snoring, turning neck left, turning neck right, cursing, spitting, gossiping....basically anything that doesn't go below the neck, which is very bad for my practically non-existent love life.  
  
We are to camp here for the night, and then the company divides into 2: one half goes east of Hithaeglir to Lothlorien and Mirkwood and the other (including me thank Eru) travel west of the mountains, going around Isengard and up north to Rivendell. This is risky, because we don't know how strong Saruman is at the moment, and we're largely relying on hope that he doesn't spot us. Therefore, we have to get around Nan Curunir in less than half a day.  
  
Although we do have a few horses, we have to take it in turns to ride them. Glindir can't ride, because I can't ride in my state, and he has go on foot to wheel me around. Glindir not happy.  
  
I don't know if he is up to the challenge of pushing me all the way to Imladris.  
  
He's getting a little irritable with the strain of attending to me 23 hours a day. He should really stop complaining. He's not the one who nearly lost an arm in battle and has serious wounds that need treating by the father of someone who is going to dissect him when he gets to Rivendell.  
  
~~~~ -later-  
  
I've thought of a way to make everything better: I will write a cleverly crafted apology to Arwen! This is so perfect! She has to believe me now!  
  
___  
  
Ahem  
  
My dear gracious Arwen Evenstar, (comma)  
  
A few days before my arrival, (comma), you may have received a strange looking message that was (quote)'allegedly' (unquote) from me, Haldir. (stop).  
  
(New paragraph)  
  
The contents of this message may have been disturbing and even anger arousing, (comma), but I can assure you, (comma), that I am most certainly not to be blamed for this awful (awful) childish prank (simply awful). (Stop.)  
  
(New line)  
  
I apologise that you had to read that awful (awful) message and hope that you still hold me in reverence despite this awful (awful) trick against both of us. (Stop.)  
  
(New line)  
  
I can also say that the contents of the (awful) awful message are completely false and hope you do not take the words to heart. Aragorn loves you sincerely, and though he may sometimes seem homosexual - he is NOT in love with Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
Sincerely, (comma)  
  
Haldir (blank)  
  
P.S: the battle was successful and ultimately victorious, though we lost a great number in fighting, my brothers included, myself a casualty.  
  
___  
  
I asked Glindir to write out my apology letter since I couldn't move, and deliver it to Arwen when we got to Rivendell. He didn't seem very happy about being a messenger; he told me I needed a thesaurus.  
  
Soon, I will get back at Legolas. He failed this time to get me.  
  
And he will pay for his mistake. Mwa ha ha.  
  
If I could, I would be rubbing my hands together right now. Will have to make do with licking lips in evil manner. I only wish you could see my eyebrows.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Day...um.. the next day.  
  
Said farewells to Elves going east. Told them to take message to Galadriel that I still live (hah!) and will not be back for a while. I am to be healed in Rivendell, due to my serious wounds. Emphasise the 'serious'.  
  
Going around Isengard. There's a lot of steam coming from there, and we kept away, but Glindir went to have a closer look. When he came back he told me he saw a walking tree. I told him to stay off the hobbit weed.  
  
~~~~  
  
Continuing northwards to Rivendell  
  
Have noticed that I am the only blonde here. Am happy, but getting jealous looks from people. Heard them making comments about my eyebrows behind my back.  
  
~~~~  
  
Day 13 (many, many torturing days later)  
  
HAVE REACHED RIVENDELL AT LAST!!!!  
  
Met up with Elrond who, kindly enough, asked me if I were well.  
  
I replied that I was in a wheelchair and could not move, and he got the point.  
  
He did not mention the Aragorn letter, which was nice, and he asked what he could do for me.  
  
I told him what had happened, and he was quite grieved because it was him that ordered the armies to go south. He told me that he would help me walk again.  
  
He was prepared to heal me, no matter how long it took. I was quite touched. He put me down for an appointment with him, taking down some details in a little black book. Somehow I don't like the look of that...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
-later-  
  
Arwen came to see me this afternoon. I was on the patio resting and enjoying the sun. She looked a little flustered and I gave her the usual courtesy.  
  
"My fair lady." I said, nodding my head because I couldn't bow yet. Elrond's next available session was in a few hours.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?!" she cried, waving my apology letter about in the air.  
  
"I just wanted to say sorry -ah- it really WASN'T ME! I just wanted to make everything clear...you know.." I make a facial expression to show what I meant.  
  
She looked blankly at me.  
  
"Haldir, I don't understand. What is happened with Aragorn?"  
  
Now it was my turn to look confused.  
  
"You...don't know?"  
  
"Haldir, I never received any message of the sort. No one has come to Rivendell for 3 weeks."  
  
"Oh crap" I muttered. Reality finally sank in. Oh Legolas, how I hate you.  
  
Arwen folded her arms menacingly.  
  
"Now we have something to settle here. What were the contents of the message that you talk about in this poorly written letter?" she waved the paper about again.  
  
"N-nothing"  
  
"WHAT WAS THE LETTER ABOUT?"  
  
I squealed like a puppy and my leggings suddenly felt very, very moist.  
  
After I said the next sentence, everyone in Rivendell heard my cries of agony.  
  
***  
  
___  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
"Ouch, that's quite a bruise you have there Haldir."  
  
"Yes, my lord."  
  
"It was Arwen wasn't it"  
  
"Yes, my lord."  
  
"Tut tut, she was always quite a hellion.."  
  
"Mmm."  
  
"Imagine striking a invalid though! Punching and kicking like that! In a wheelchair for goodness sake! I cannot imagine it.."  
  
"I can."  
  
"I'll have a word with her later on. Don't you worry. Now... Where's the pain then? Where should we start? You have quite a few serious injuries here..."  
  
"Um...my Lord?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Can I ask you something, a favour?"  
  
"Yes, of course. Go ahead."  
  
"Can I stay here, permanently?"  
  
"You don't want to return to Lorien?"  
  
"No. Definitely" [shudder]  
  
"Well, I see no reason why you have to. Yes, why not. I'll tell Galadriel."  
  
"NO! Don't tell her I'm here! Say I've crossed the sea!"  
  
"When you're plainly here, in middle-earth..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh very well, strange as it is. Haldir, son of Halmir, I proclaim you from now on a resident of Rivendell. "  
  
"Thank you sir. Just one thing my lord."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm the son of Nunaur, not Halmir. That one died in battle, remember?"  
  
"And you didn't..."  
  
"No"  
  
"Amazing!!"  
  
"Yes, my lord. Quite."  
  
"One more thing."  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Since you will no longer be under the govern of Lady Galadriel, you have to pay for all the treatment I give you. I'm calling it the Natural Healing Service."  
  
"But I don't have any money!"  
  
"That's quite alright. I am, however, in need of a new chambermaid..."  
  
END 


End file.
